Stop Passive-Aggressive Bullying

StopPassiveAggressiveBullying

I am driven to talk about BULLYING because it is something that has followed me my whole life and it seems most people don’t even know that someone they care about is being bullied. So, I’m pulling together information that will help any of you that feel trapped in bullying situations or relationships.   

Most childhood bullies choose a more subtle bullying lifestyle when they grow up, but they still have the emotional immaturity of a child.  They are driven by Pride and Selfish Ambition.  The world revolves around their happiness or lack there of.  The type of bullying I want to talk about is The Passive Aggressive Bully.  This bully would never risk an outright approach for fear of exposing themselves and ruining their carefully constructed image of perfection.  They are brilliant manipulators and they are experts at orchestrating circumstances and people in their favor. When exposed they lash out and deny their mistakes and they will even lie to preserve themselves.  The most difficult kind of bully is The Passive Aggressive bully.

Hidden traits:

  1. Charming
  2. Obsessed with image
  3. Distorts truth and reality
  4. Evasive
  5. Plays the victim
  6. Self-righteous
  7. Pompous
  8. Hypocritical
  9. Two-faced
  10. Rumor-monger
  11. Passive-aggressive
  12. Pretends to care

-via www.kickbully.com

This doesn’t mean that anyone who displays these behaviors or characteristics is a bully.  It doesn’t mean that, because someone has treated you poorly, you are being bullied.  This is just a list of traits that are not visible. They are subtle and are much more devastating if unavoided.  I plan on having a series of posts dedicated to this.  I will be pulling together from many different resources to bring you a full understanding of the bully, and his or her psychological state.  I plan on sharing parts of my lifestory to give you a full understanding of how this type of bullying can affect a person and arrest their life from knowing success.

Bullies are the worst kind of sociopaths and they will fight you to social death.  Usually, yours, because most targeted victims are too weak too fight back, are victims of past abuse, the costs of fighting back are too high, or they have a strong moral obligation that prevents them from doing so.

I hope to go through these characteristics one by one and give you examples of the behaviors that manifest because of them.

I highly recommend checking out the following websites if you are a victim of this kind of bullying.

Kick Bully- Where Your Fight Begins

Bullying In The Family

Bullying: The Family Connection

This Emotional Life: Adult Bullying

Life After Adult Bullying

The Verbal Abuse Site

Books Recommended by Leading Anti-Bullying Sites:

Mean Girls Grow Up: Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid To Bees by Cheryl Dellasega PhD

Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons

Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life by Patricia Evans

To Be An Anchor in the Storm: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abuse Women by Susan Brewster

Beyond The Tears: A True Survivor’s Story by Lynn C. Tolson

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher PhD

When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You by Jan Yager

Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward

Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine

Self Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field Nathaniel Branden

Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin Seligman

Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression by Scott Wetzler

The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel

Passive Aggressive Bullying

Passive Aggressive Bullying


Workplace or other, it’s wrong.

http://www.kickbully.com/hidden.html

This site humorously refers to the workplace as The Mental Hospital where the patients run the show. However, it illuminates an area of BULLYING that is just as destructive as other forms.

The Passive Aggressive Bully

Please support all of us who have been brutalized by this form of bullying, by reading this article and standing up for those affected by it. It’s okay to walk away from a Passive Aggressive BULLY. Don’t encourage them by listening to them. Dont “Like” their FB posts that are Passive Aggressive. Dont “Favorite” their Passive Aggressive Tweets. Learn the difference between the genuine and ingenuine! This website helps sort out the subtleties of the Passive Aggressive Bully.

Help protect the victims, not the BULLY. If you recognize someone doing this, please step up and do what’s right. Confrontation will only cause problems and backlash, so just remove them from your life.  Help victims by supporting their defenses and boundaries.  The BULLY won’t stop their torment as long as they have people willing to tolerate them.

As far as Christians are concerned, Jesus would have never sat idly by or even encouraged this kind of BULLYING. He wouldnt and didn’t buddy-up with BULLIES. We can’t hide behind His name, call ourselves Peacemakers, and let an innocent be devastated to the point of suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, or fatal suicide because of Passive Aggressive Bullying.

If you are this type of BULLY…you can stop. There’s help for people who want to stop bullying. Don’t let another minute go by where you are responsible for someone else’s pain.

Yep. Its that time. O’Frizz:30 pm!

My second son at 7mos!

My second son at 7mos!

Yes indeed, it IS that hour of the day when my hair represents my state of mind.  I feel like I’m about to explode 😛 Pthbbbb!

I am having a very discouraging week so far. I’ve been sick with another random fever. No other symptoms. I thought it was the flu but it wasn’t. Just another FUO (Fever of Unknown Origin). Yep. It’s a real thing.

Also…

Our eldest is almost 5 now and he’s the sweetest little man. He is very caring and friendly but has been having a hard time making new friends at church. All of his friends ADORE him but I think the new kids are intimidated by his self confidence… maybe? They seem put off with how comfortable he is this new situation. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but its hard when he says the other kids wont play with him.

His potty training is halted again and we spoke to a Child Psychologist who recommended that we talk to our Pediatrician about the poop issue. I reminded her that we have been dealing with this for 18 months now and even his Dr is at a loss. Im feeling so desperate!  She was helpful and encouraging in stating that his particular disorder, Postural Ocular Disorder (a subtype of Sensory Processing Disorder), is a low incident and rare disorder so there are not a lot “how to’s” about it. Well at least I know I’m not going crazy when I spend hours on the internet to find nothing!  However, its very hard when your little guy is reaching this huge milestone of life and still cant use the potty.

She also suggested we look into sending him to Public School and having him enrolled in Special Education.  My mind immediately went back in time to when I was in school and Special Ed was for kids with mental retardation and severe physical/mental disabilities!  I tried not to freak out and reassure myself that it’s been, like, 30 years since I was 5yo and that Special Ed has probably changed.  But inside, my heart was just breaking.  I couldn’t help it.  I was thinking that his life would be over if he went to public school NOW.  All of his sweetness, self confidence and esteem would be stolen from him by the taunting children who hate all things different.  Did I mention I was kind of freaking out inside? I did. Okay.

So anyway, I’m having a discouraging week.  I’m not worried that he won’t get better.  I’m sad that its come to this.  A reevaluation of all of our plans and a change of heart towards what we desire.  It’s not bad… it’s sad.  I want to homeschool, but I’m afraid to homeschool.  Now that it may not be best for him to be homeschooled, I want to homeschool more!  weird… I know. I’m remembering all the hurtful laughs and not understanding where they came from.  I was defenseless and didn’t have anyone to teach me about socialization, but my son isn’t defenseless.  I’ve been through it all and come out stronger on the other side.  I’ve been able to see my mistakes in school (socially) and learn from them.  He’ll be so much better off than me.  I’m still freaking out and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of hope about the situation, but that means there’s a little bit of hope.  And God can do a lot with a little bit!

Whew! I can feel my hair starting to settle down now 😉

A New Life Makeover

Over the last several months I have gone though some ups and some downs.  Really big downs.  I felt like I wasn’t going anywhere, I wasn’t doing anything of value, and that I was bored out of my mind.  Through the help of my wonderful friends I have since been able to shake off that depression and begin to ACT.  For one thing, I needed to forget all of the insanity the world has to offer in all of its negativity.  One of my best friends told me that it really pained them to see how others has stolen my joy because that was not who I was or was created to be.  She really helped me see that I needed to repent for agreeing with those people and to forgive them.  I’ve since been freed from those painful words, looks, scoffs and other insensitivities.

Now that I wasn’t holding on to the weight those words carried, I felt that I needed to address this attitude of self worth. Having the ability to stay home and raise a family is a blessing.  Not everyone feels that way or even respects that.  But for me, it is an absolute blessing.  So why didn’t I see it that way anymore?  Why did a feel like the wife no one would want to come home to or the mom that every kid would be happy to leave? I just felt like I didn’t matter and to be honest, I wasn’t satisfied with the whole “you’re a mom, that’s your job for the next 18-25 years.”  That sounded horribly mundane to me especially since we are going to homeschool the kids.  Even with field trips, play dates and all kinds of outtings, I felt trapped.  Enslaved even!

The BOREDOM is unbelieveable.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am busy!  Really busy!  But its the repetitive mundane busy that grinds the brain down into a powdery mush.  That was the last straw.  The straw that catapulted me into a full blown depression.  Not just the blues, but a full on pajama wearing, no showering mess!  I stayed there awhile, even after that wonderful talk with my Bestie.  It was better that I didn’t have hurtful memories weighing me down but I was still bored and ungrateful.

So I did something about it!  I talked to SuperHubby about redoing our finances and finding money that we were just blowing and doing something fun and healthy with it.  We talked a lot over the last month and we are going to get a cleaning service once a month!  I actually love to clean and I think I’m good at it, but with the responsibility homeschooling (which is nonexistant at the moment) and all the others stuff that I need to do to keep healthy, cleaning is just overwhelming.  Having those extra hours will allow me to worry less about chores and focus on schooling the boys.

Next, we joined a gym!!!! Im so excited about this because I desperately need to workout and play.  So do the kids. They don’t nearly get enough exercise.  The gym has a Kids Klub with crazy fun things for them to climb on and play with!  So while I’m working out and laughing with the ladies, theyll be running themselves tired.  Which means they’ll be hungrier and actually want to eat the food I serve them 😉

I’m also planning on eliminating certain tempation food from the house and start eating healthier.  I love to bake and I hate to cook.  I really really really HATE it.  So some things need to change there.  I have found some great baking recipes for healthy eating and I’m so thankful that its cold now because that means it SOUP SEASON!  Lots of great healthy choices there 😀  So we’re on our way to a whole new life.

I wrote down a list of all things I’m expected to be: Beautiful Wife, Loving Mom, Good Friend, Perfect Teacher, Tidy Housekeeper, Healthy Chef, Potty Training Expert, Dishwasher, Launderer, Gardener, Adventure Provider, Shopping Expert, Workout Specialist, Savvy Financer.

I have found that i cannot reasonably be great at any of these! There is too many to juggle.  So I’ve taken those expectations are rewritten them to be more pracitcal and I still can’t do it all.  There are so many things that suffer especially my marriage.   So I don’t feel bad for asking for help with house or paying a little extra money to have fun getting in shape!  Life was meant to be lived humbly and with lots of fun and adventure!

 

Up To My Ears In Turds

 

 

Well the summer and early fall have been one incredible ride here and I’m so happy that those yucky months are behind us!  I’m so sorry that I haven’t posted in awhile, but I wasn’t able to bring myself to write anything of substance.  Anything I wrote would have read like a 5yo whining.  Depression has really had a hold of me and has been a terrible obstacle between me and my family.  I have been absolutely desperate to overcome it and battle it head-on every day.  The most defeating part of it all is seeing how much it hurts the kids.  Through my impatience, lack of joy, immobility, and anger I have caused them damage.  I have had to apologize every day to them and cover them with love and cuddles in hopes that I can bandage their emotional bruises.  I’ve certainly been blessed with a wonderful forgiving family and supportive friends.  Without them I would not have been able to get through this.  Thank you!

And now I want to talk about TURDS.  I want to revisit my monologue on Potty Training children with Sensory Integration Disorder/ Sensory Processing Disorder.  For six months now, we all have been put through the wringer and the most affected member is our 4yo son.  As I mentioned before in my previous posts, he has been withholding. (If you haven’t read Lets Talk About Poop Logs and Crap Mastery and The Potty Training Push, you wont have the whole story, but this post should be able to stand on its own. Though, I encourage you to read those first as they give details on the problems we are having.)  It was getting better and there were even several weeks where he was going poop all by himself.  It was looking good… then, he just decided he wasn’t going to poop anymore.  So for the last two weeks I’ve been up to ears in turds.  Turd nuggets, turd snakes, turd smears on his clothes and all over the bathroom and turd SMELL.  My precious 4yo boy SMELLS like TURDS constantly.  That’s heartbreaking for a parent.  My child smells like poop and his friends say “Somebody smells like POOOP!” or “Somebody STINKS!” or “What’s that smell?”  Don’t misunderstand me.  His friends adore him!  He is their favorite friend, in fact, because he is sweet, fun, tender, caring and loving.  Everyone loves him!  But it hurts when you think that making NEW friends will be hard especially since they might not have been taught how to be accepting, forgiving and understanding.  So… it hurts.  A LOT.

In Honor of Tanis Miller @redneckmommy , she and her daughter are always making this face LOL!

There are a lot of problems with his potty training but the biggest obstacle is ME.  Because of my own weakness and thanklessness (is that a word?…hmmm, too lazy to look it up. Dont judge me!)… because of those things, I have discouraged and confused my son.  He is behind in his communication and language developement which makes it nearly impossible for him to tell me what is going on or how he’s feeling or communicating his understanding of a concept.  I have spent a lot of time blameshifting and attacking others, mainly professionals and authors… sorry 😦 , but when it comes down to it, I’m responsible for him.  It’s my fault I haven’t done all the reading.  It’s my fault I haven’t called enough people for chatted online with the experts.  I’m not one of those moms who have literally talked to everyone they can and read everything they can get their hands on.  If you are one of those moms, I apologize for diminishing your plight through my complaints and I applaud you for being the kind of mom “I” want to be.

I had a serious meltdown on Friday.  I mean, a full-on cussing, screaming, crazy ass mom meltdown where everyone in the house was left thinking, “where’s the tranquilizer gun? I thought I put it in the coat closet after her last trip to Effed-Upville.”  The best part was we were about to add 4 more kiddos to the mix for the evening as were going to babysit for our Brother and Sister-In-Law.  I’m supposed to be creating a warm loving environment and instead I’m acting like a mad-woman running a round the house with  underwear on her head weilding a banana and sing-screaming “It’s A Small World.” Nothing says “WELCOME” like a psychotic episode.

In my panic and rage I sat down at the computer and typed in “children withholding incontinence” and there were a DOZEN articles written by Pediatricians about this very issue.  In all my searches (at least 100) I had never thought to type these three words into the search bar?!?!?!?! The answer was staring at me in the face!  I had even purchased a book months and months ago and never got around to reading it because I was just so overwhelmed.  Why was I so angry with everyone else when it was up to me to find the answer.  So…. I read the article.

My Misconception – Our son isn’t constipated because he is pooping everyday, even to the point where his poop is leaking out.

“Fecal incontinence is almost always associated with constipation. Constipation is associated with hard, large stools in the rectum which become difficult and painful to evacuate, often leading to withholding of stools. The lower colonic segment becomes gradually distended with accumulated stool. The urge to defecate becomes irregular because of a decrease in rectal sensation. A vicious cycle ensues. When the rectum becomes sufficiently distended, softer stool arriving from the more proximal colon cannot be accommodated and leaks around the bolus of hard stool. Because of the lack of sensation in the distended distal colon, this passage of soft stool (overflow) is not sensed by the child until incontinence has actually transpired.” – OMAN Medical Journal

My Super Classy Interpretation – Large turds bunch up near the butthole.  The intestine bulges, making the butthole numb. The child cant feel the urge to poop because of the numbing sensation which causes more poop to bunch up. When the butthole get stretched enough (due to the large amount of turds in the large intestine), softer slimier poop leaks around the large impacted turds and seeps out into the kids underwear/pullups.  Because their butthole is numb, they don’t know they’ve had an accident.

THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING! I can’t believe our pediatrician didn’t explain this to me.  He just kept saying he was constipated.  “But he’s pooping everyday!!!!!”, I thought to myself.  Now I know. Finally, a real answer.  The article goes on to give a solution to the problem.  NOTE: The article’s solution/program is only for children with no medical condition/illness/disease, nor for the child with abnormal psychological issues.  As our family follows this program/solution there might not be full success because of his Sensory Issues, but it will solve his constipation problem and restore confidence and trust that pooping is not supposed to be a trauma! Yay!

So we started him on a three day treatment of laxatives (Pedia-Lax Chewable Tablets), then we will give him his readjusted dose of Miralax (per doctor’s instructions), and incorporate a diligent schedule of sitting on the potty for 5 minutes everyday after breakfast.  He will eventually sit on the potty for 5 minutes, three times a day, after meals.  This will help his intestines and rectum to shrink back to normal size and regain their sensation.  It is a 6 month haul so we are tightening our suspenders, adjusting our bowties, and putting on our fezes!  If only we had a TARDIS so I could go back in time and change my approach.  Oh well, I supposed I wouldn’t be able to revisit my own timeline anyway!

Our Little Man at 2 months old, holding SuperDaddy’s hand

I have high hopes for our little man and for myself.  If I can admit my mistakes and repent to my kids, trust can be restored.  I hope the article in the OMAN Medical Journal can help other parents/caregivers out there who are feeling equally desperate.  The answers are out there, sometimes.  And it’s those “sometimes” that can change the course of a persons journey.  Good Luck this week and know that you are greatly loved!

“Duh Nuh-nuh-nuh-NUH. Since My Baby Left Me….I’ve Got The Blues.”

Hi All!  Well, the last couple of weeks have certainly been enlightening.  First, I thought I was experiencing a hangover from all of the extreme social media upkeep, but really I have a case of the blues.  I feel like my life is SO weird.  I have struggled with depression my whole life and just when I think I’ve kicked it to the curb, it comes sneaking back into my life  like an annoying fly attracted to the crap of life. SO! I’d like to share my journey.  I don’t really have that characteristic of being able to finish large ambitious goals…yet… So I’ll just break it up into an episodic adventure. You won’t be able to choose your own ending but it should be very entertaining 😉

Chapter 1: Depression

If you ever want to kill a conversation or stir up an tsunami of akward tension, just mention “depression”.  You will see ALL the faces in the little chat circle turn to awkward I’ve-got-to-put-on-a-concerned-face look and the head nodding begins.  (Sometimes it’s genuine and sometimes its akward.  You can usually tell the difference.)  It’s a word that I don’t like to use very often because there are levels of depression and I feel like that word should be reserved for the more serious ones.  I like to say that “I have the blues”, otherwise. I’ve suffered from the slightest of blues to the depression that forces you to the ground with a razor and a scream, crying out for Divine intervention.  It’s a condition that can cause you to lose instant respect among family, friends, peers, colleagues, and advisors.  If you look around, the types of personalities that run our society are not the most understanding, compassionate or merciful people.  They make great leaders and get the job done, but they don’t create a very empathetic environment, which, has aided in the formation of a negative stigma around the word “depression”.

But I don’t care!  I’m confident and unashamed in who I am and in the tools that I’ve successfully applied to overcome depression.  I have a pretty good sense of humor about it too.  I don’t mean that I think it’s funny how sad I feel at times, but I find ways to make myself laugh during those periods.  I’m not one of those people who always has to feel good at everyone elses expense.  I just don’t let myself fall into the Pit of Despair where some albino Igor has me laid up on a rack that is designed to suck the life out of me, either.  I really don’t mind how a person might judge or criticize me, or how they may undermind my troubles because I’ve accepted my burden.  There is a chemical imbalance in my brain, that needs a corporeal AND a spiritual treatment.  We all have a cross to bear and this one is mine.  I gladly carry it for Him.

I have struggled with this since the day I was born, seriously.  I cried all day, every day for months and months after i was born and nearly drove my poor mother into despair. Ever since then, I have always been a tender and melancholy person with this drive to make people laugh.  Despite what others perceive about me, I’m actually quite shy and nervous around people.  I’ve learned that there’s an art to socializing and have mastered some level of skill at it, but really I love the one-on-one talks with people and deep meaningful conversation.  Don’t get me wrong I love cracking jokes and laughing with friends until my face hurts too!  By the way, POOP is funny.  It will always make me laugh if you bring it up.  Unless you have explosive diarrhea from a questionable burrito left in your freezer that makes you wish you had installed handlebars on either side of your toilet.  If that’s you today, here’s your frowny face 😦 .

Anyway, depression.  I did something about it.  I realized it was going to kill me and I did something about it.  It has taken me over a decade of medication (on and off), therapy, prayer and support to get where I am now and I actually experience healthy joy now.  I couldn’t have done it alone and I’m really grateful for every one of my family members, friends, and even you strangers out there who keep me smiling with your fun outlook on life.  If you think you’re blog means nothing, think again.  It really really helps (even if it saves one person from a miserable day, wasn’t it worth it?)  So, thank you.

Here’s the thing I really want to get across to people.  You don’t need to feel sorry for me, or put on that akward I-don’t-know-what-to-say, or the I-really-wish-you-hadn’t-put-me-in-this-position face.  The blues are the blues and all that is required is love.  So…I’ve had the blues for a few weeks now.  I haven’t tweeted, posted, blogged or really done anything other than be with my kids and play games.  I’ll get back to all that stuff soon, but for now, I just accept that I’ve got the blues and they ARE going to go away.  I really hope, if any of you are suffering from the blues or worse, that you all know I understand and empathize with you.  You all are great men and women, even if you don’t feel like it and I appreciate you!

I hope to follow up this post with some stories from childhood to adulthood.  I suppose, it may help some of those out there to recognize it in their own lives, encourage those who do recognize it and enlighten those who can’t recognize it as being real.  I’m not an expert or anything, but I just want to put smiles on your faces if I can.  Feel free to leave me some suggestions of what you all are curious about or would like to see!

AND NOW…. KITTEN PICTURE!

If your cat just died, I’m so sorry… PUPPY PICTURE!

If your dog just died, I’m really sorry… BABY OTTER PICTURE!

If your otter just died, dude, i’m sorry, but I’m trying as hard as I can here!

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